Go Away Larry Miller
Larry, you’re killing me! Just stop it. Please.
The fat guy on those television and radio commercials that sells mattresses out of his Sit n’ Sleep stores is really starting to piss me off. Every time I come across one of his ads I just become more enraged. Once, I even heard one while driving and almost voluntarily wrecked my car to make it stop. If any of you have heard this ad before then you know what I’m talking about.
The slogan states, "Sit n’ Sleep will beat ANYBODY'S advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE".
This here is complete bullshit. Anybody with half a brain can tell right off the bat that if this guy were serious he would have gone out of business during the Reagan Administration. Free mattresses? C’mon Larry, if you’re going to lie to me at least make it a good one. Tell me your mattress will make me feel like I’ve slept in the forest beds of ancient Lebanon among the ferries and unicorns. At least that is magical and wondrous. But we all learn at a young age that nothing is free, especially when the product you're peddling is the difference between a good night’s sleep and a bad one.
And it only gets worse folks. In a quote taken from the SCBA website, Larry states "sixteen years ago, we were a tiny, struggling, one-location business grossing about $300,000 per year. Now, we're a ten-store chain doing $40-50 million -- one of the largest independent mattress retailers in America." $40 – 50 million eh chubby? Not too bad – for a LIAR! Basically the big L is not only having his cake but eating it too, by filling our heads with false promises of a possible free mattress while he drives home every night undoubtedly contorted in his “I have one because I can afford one bitch” Ferrari all the while making no plans whatsoever to give a single thing away. Ever.
But despite this, he still finds it necessary to play with our emotions as well as offend the intelligence of anyone who takes a second to think about what he’s saying. In fact, I can probably guess what he dreams about when he sleeps at night. Here’s a scenario…
Salesperson - "Good day sir and welcome to Sit n’ Sleep. I noticed that you were looking at this California King mattress. Do you have any questions, or is there anything that I could help you with today?
Shopper - "Actually yes. I was looking through the paper this morning and noticed an advertisement at Generic Mattresses for this exact same mattress - only they are offering theirs for $50 dollars less.”
Salesperson - "You don't say. May I see that?" (salesperson looks it over and checks for authenticity) "Well, I've never seen this before. Would you mind if I take this advertisement to my supervisor? It will only take a moment."
Shopper - "Of course, take your time."
Salesperson – “Thank you. Please continue to look around, and don’t hesitate to help yourself to a Shasta in the mini fridge. The grape is delicious.”
Salesperson walks into the back room at a brisk pace and quickly goes into his supervisor’s room.
Salesperson – “Hey, Dennis, you’re not gonna believe this. Some guy just came in with this advertisement for a mattress that we happen to sell too, only theirs is $50 bucks less.”
Dennis – (putting down his apple fritter) “No kidding. I didn’t think anyone would actually DO that. Did he mention our slogan?”
Salesperson – “Yeah, and I think he was serious.”
After both men have a hearty laugh at the situation –
Dennis – “Well, you know what to do.”
The salesperson returns to the showroom floor with the ad in hand and a smile on his face that suggests he’s been shitting rainbows and kittens for six years.
Salesperson – “Well sir, it seems you’ve got us. This ad is authentic, and almost too good to be true. Why, selling a California King mattress for this price is just… well, it’s ludicrous. I can’t even look at the ad anymore. That’s how ludicrous it is.”
Shopper – “So does this mean you’re going to give me my mattress for free?”
Salesperson – “Sir, it would be Sit n’ Sleep’s honor to give you this mattress for free. Why, we can’t compete with these competitor’s prices, and so to do battle the only way we know how, we’re going to let you walk out of this showroom with free merchandise. In fact, just to show you how we do business around here, why don’t you take the entire bedroom set, valued at almost $3,000 dollars.”
Shopper – “Wow! Are you serious?!”
Salesperson – “Actually no. I was kidding. We’re not giving you the mattress for free, and we’re not going to beat the advertised price either. In fact, everything just doubled in price to anyone named… I’m sorry sir, what’s your name?”
Shopper - “…tim…
Salesperson – “TIM. Yes. Prices for everything in this store have now doubled for everyone named Tim.”
Shopper – “Well I never!”
Salesperson – “Well you should sometime, I hear it’s great. Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I have a jelly donut and a grape Shasta waiting for me in the back, along with the security videotape of this conversation, which I plan to watch several times and laugh my ass off.”
It’s all true folks. Larry Miller is sitting on his squishy, white butt laughing all the way to the bank. And what’s worse is, he’s mocking us along the way.
(Michael Davis, copyright 2005)
The fat guy on those television and radio commercials that sells mattresses out of his Sit n’ Sleep stores is really starting to piss me off. Every time I come across one of his ads I just become more enraged. Once, I even heard one while driving and almost voluntarily wrecked my car to make it stop. If any of you have heard this ad before then you know what I’m talking about.
The slogan states, "Sit n’ Sleep will beat ANYBODY'S advertised price or your mattress is FREEEEEEEEE".
This here is complete bullshit. Anybody with half a brain can tell right off the bat that if this guy were serious he would have gone out of business during the Reagan Administration. Free mattresses? C’mon Larry, if you’re going to lie to me at least make it a good one. Tell me your mattress will make me feel like I’ve slept in the forest beds of ancient Lebanon among the ferries and unicorns. At least that is magical and wondrous. But we all learn at a young age that nothing is free, especially when the product you're peddling is the difference between a good night’s sleep and a bad one.
And it only gets worse folks. In a quote taken from the SCBA website, Larry states "sixteen years ago, we were a tiny, struggling, one-location business grossing about $300,000 per year. Now, we're a ten-store chain doing $40-50 million -- one of the largest independent mattress retailers in America." $40 – 50 million eh chubby? Not too bad – for a LIAR! Basically the big L is not only having his cake but eating it too, by filling our heads with false promises of a possible free mattress while he drives home every night undoubtedly contorted in his “I have one because I can afford one bitch” Ferrari all the while making no plans whatsoever to give a single thing away. Ever.
But despite this, he still finds it necessary to play with our emotions as well as offend the intelligence of anyone who takes a second to think about what he’s saying. In fact, I can probably guess what he dreams about when he sleeps at night. Here’s a scenario…
Salesperson - "Good day sir and welcome to Sit n’ Sleep. I noticed that you were looking at this California King mattress. Do you have any questions, or is there anything that I could help you with today?
Shopper - "Actually yes. I was looking through the paper this morning and noticed an advertisement at Generic Mattresses for this exact same mattress - only they are offering theirs for $50 dollars less.”
Salesperson - "You don't say. May I see that?" (salesperson looks it over and checks for authenticity) "Well, I've never seen this before. Would you mind if I take this advertisement to my supervisor? It will only take a moment."
Shopper - "Of course, take your time."
Salesperson – “Thank you. Please continue to look around, and don’t hesitate to help yourself to a Shasta in the mini fridge. The grape is delicious.”
Salesperson walks into the back room at a brisk pace and quickly goes into his supervisor’s room.
Salesperson – “Hey, Dennis, you’re not gonna believe this. Some guy just came in with this advertisement for a mattress that we happen to sell too, only theirs is $50 bucks less.”
Dennis – (putting down his apple fritter) “No kidding. I didn’t think anyone would actually DO that. Did he mention our slogan?”
Salesperson – “Yeah, and I think he was serious.”
After both men have a hearty laugh at the situation –
Dennis – “Well, you know what to do.”
The salesperson returns to the showroom floor with the ad in hand and a smile on his face that suggests he’s been shitting rainbows and kittens for six years.
Salesperson – “Well sir, it seems you’ve got us. This ad is authentic, and almost too good to be true. Why, selling a California King mattress for this price is just… well, it’s ludicrous. I can’t even look at the ad anymore. That’s how ludicrous it is.”
Shopper – “So does this mean you’re going to give me my mattress for free?”
Salesperson – “Sir, it would be Sit n’ Sleep’s honor to give you this mattress for free. Why, we can’t compete with these competitor’s prices, and so to do battle the only way we know how, we’re going to let you walk out of this showroom with free merchandise. In fact, just to show you how we do business around here, why don’t you take the entire bedroom set, valued at almost $3,000 dollars.”
Shopper – “Wow! Are you serious?!”
Salesperson – “Actually no. I was kidding. We’re not giving you the mattress for free, and we’re not going to beat the advertised price either. In fact, everything just doubled in price to anyone named… I’m sorry sir, what’s your name?”
Shopper - “…tim…
Salesperson – “TIM. Yes. Prices for everything in this store have now doubled for everyone named Tim.”
Shopper – “Well I never!”
Salesperson – “Well you should sometime, I hear it’s great. Now if you’ll excuse me sir, I have a jelly donut and a grape Shasta waiting for me in the back, along with the security videotape of this conversation, which I plan to watch several times and laugh my ass off.”
It’s all true folks. Larry Miller is sitting on his squishy, white butt laughing all the way to the bank. And what’s worse is, he’s mocking us along the way.
(Michael Davis, copyright 2005)
posted by Surfer88 at
7:20 PM
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