Juan Alvaerz Has No Penis

Los Angeles resident Juan Alvarez recently decided that it would be better if he just wasn't around anymore. In this, I applaud him. When anyone has enough sense to realize that they are too much of a drain on society to keep existing, by all means, kill yourself. 99 percent the population is lazy, either suing someone else for some trite little thing that could easily be handled with fisticuffs, or living off the government tip. When the opportunity arises to subtract from this majority pool, I'd give the green light every time. By deciding to try and take his own life, Mr. Alvarez was a shining light to his lazy ass affiliated demography by showing some true initiative in taking steps to making the lives of all responsible taxpayers everywhere a little bit easier. It's too bad that he lacked one key ingredient that would allow his death wish plans to come to full fruition - his man junk.

On January 26th in the AM hours, Juan Alvarez decided to drive his car onto a set of train tracks near Union Station in Los Angeles, thereby hoping to be killed by the impact of an oncoming train. Now as I've said before, he already gets happy face points for realizing that he needs to be dead, but where I disagree is his chosen method to become so. Letting a train hit you is one thing. It's messy, yes, but easy and effective none the less. But bringing his truck along too? I'm no physics major, but the amount of force that would be pushing back from the auto would most certainly be more than if it were just his dumbass. This results in the train having to work harder to kill him because of all the other added variables like sheet metal, engine block, transmission, dashboard tassels, an overabundance of exterior fiberglass add-on trim, sixteen inch Daytons, and a whole butt load of really bad Mexican circus music. Also, as opposed to just hitting flesh, bone and stupid, the chance of train derailment and possible injury to upstanding citizens becomes an issue when striking a vehicle - and sadly enough, it is also exactly what happened. Apparently at the last second Juan lost his nerve and had a change of heart, deciding that he wanted to live. But instead of driving the car off the tracks, he simply ditched the vehicle and left it to its own device - which at the moment was getting royally rocked by a fast-moving commuter train. To anyone who has read the news wire, you know the outcome.

Normally, using a vehicle in the act of self-termination is viewed as a bonus as well as way freakin' awesome. Thelma and Louise did it at the Grand Canyon, and Dak did it on the first run against the Death Star. But of course, these acts only hurt/killed the people directly involved. Where Juan Alvarez crossed the line is when he failed to consider all the people who may not have shared in his awakening revelation to die. What he should have done was keep his nut satchel in check, let the train hit him and him alone, and go out in a bloody smear of greatness and laser beams.

Mr. Alvarez is a lost cause, but I know that there are many more men out there who are thinking of ending their lives. To help in that pursuit, I have compiled a short list of ways to kill yourself that won't hurt anyone but you, and still keep you looking cool long after the mess has been cleaned up.

1. Get your dumbass rocked by Max von Sydow, a.k.a. Ming the Merciless. For those who haven't beheld the greatness that is the B-movie cult classic "Flash Gordon", Ming the Merciless (von Sydow) the evil ruler of Mongo, hatches a plan to pull the moon from its orbit, threatening the earth. Anyone who can organize and execute a plan of this magnitude while battling hawkmen and a New York Jets numb nuts quarter back can probably fit killing you on to his to-do list. Plus, the awesome factor is guaranteed to be high as you would be dealt death by a guy who has one of the hottest on-screen daughters I've ever seen. (Ornella Muti)

2. Fall over onto a sword. This method kicks ass for many reasons, one of which being that you're being killed by a huge, fuggin' sword! It's been a long time since man traded his chain mail and sword in for a pair of pink chiffon panties and a 9 mm, so anytime the public can see human impalement outside of the movie theatre is a welcome treat. Besides, swordplay is the closest you're ever going to get to a lightsaber, so you might as well take what you can get, you sick bastids.


3. Attend a Cosplay Event. I can't say I have ever been to one of these, but from things I've read and also pretty much from what I just simply assume, these things inspire death to all who behold them. I understand that there are groups of cosplay people who inhabit this world with entirely too much time on their hands, but instead of doing something constructive with their time like losing weight and getting vasectomies, they choose to spend hours crafting poorly fabricated costumes out of felt and leather and then parading around in them - in public. The end result is the south wing at a hotel somewhere filled with idiots in costume and the smell of something like a mixture of sour milk and ball sweat wafting in the air. Not much awesome factor to be found here, but the drive to kill yourself will be present none the less.

4. Kick a Grizzly bear in the nuts. Male Grizzly bears reach a maximum weight of about 330 to 1,150 pounds, and feed on anything from small, woodland rodents to mountain goats. The last time I checked 1,150 pounds was a bit over my slim 185 pound frame, so I can only assume that a swift kick to the junk of a grizzly bear would guarantee a rag doll bitch slap into next week for me. This method may be good for all the tree-huggers out there who enjoy nature and are looking to kill themselves because they have realized that camping in a tree for two months straight only secures public opinion for one thing - that you're a moron. Awesome factor is good with this one simply because you'll earn major respect if you can manage to get anywhere near a Grizzly's cash n' prizes without getting your face rocked first.

5. Jump into the Sarlacc Pit. This one is more of a fantasy, but still way cool. I'd have to say that being eaten alive is one of my biggest fears, and knowing that I'd be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc's mouth to be digested over a thousand year period doesn't make it any better. This one is pretty much dementia on a platter. If it's any consolation though, at least you could go in with the comfort of company, as it's likely that Carrot Top, Gilbert Godfrey, Tori Spelling, and U2 are already in there. Bam!

6. Pick a fight with ex-NHL hockey player Marty McSorely. For those of you not in the know, Marty was a guy who, back in Feb. of 2000, actually hit a guy in the back of the head with a hockey stick, knocking him unconscious and causing him to suffer a serious concussion upon slapping his head on the ice. The guy used to be thought of as Wayne Gretzky's enforcer, but now he's mostly just regarded as a washed up dipshit has-been. Anyone who can get paid to play professional hockey and then give it up by whacking some dude in the head with a stick probably wouldn't have much of a problem knocking you out either, especially since it's most likely better than the ass-hockey he's been seeing in jail anyway. This method would probably work better for those of you who can't stand on a pair of skates to save your life, because lets face it, that's not what you're really here to do anyway, right? Awesome factor is through the roof for this one because anyone who knows anything knows that ice hockey rules.


7. Get eaten by carnivorous babies. This wouldn't seem like much of a threat at first, but it becomes an awful reality once you really ponder the idea. Think about it, babies can't really talk, but they can think. Babies aren't smiling at you when you make stupid faces; they are smiling at their maniacal thoughts of eating you for thinking that they might actually enjoy those stupid, condescending facial expressions in the first place. Older children feel the same way; they just use more tact in their methods of murder, usually waiting for years of parental abuse as an excuse before they pounce. But babies? No, they would do it if they could. Why do you think they are always trying to put stuff in their mouths? Awesome factor is zero though, as you deserve to die if you get taken down by babies.

Those are just a few suggestions off the top of my head. But if I think of any more cool ways to do one's self in, I'll make sure and post them, as I am full force in the pursuit of helping the world rid itself of the cancer that is stupid.

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)