Apple Unveils Smallest iPod Yet

"The best direct probe of the atom was first done by Rutherford and his student, C.T.R. Wilson, who invented the cloud chamber and used it to show that when thin gold foil is bombarded by helium nuclei (alpha particles), the particles are occasionally deflected by a very large angle, but usually pass straight through. This gave rise to the realization that the gold was composed of atoms, with a tiny nucleus at the middle which could occasionally collide with an alpha particle and send it flying."
- Prof. Topper, ASU

Rutherford and his student, C.T.R. Wilson, may have happed upon the discovery of proof that the atom existed, but it is Apple who has taken the idea of the atom and applied it to something tangible that everyone can, or can't, for argument's sake, get their hands on. And what is this new and wonderful item for which I speak? Why, only the next incarnation of the world's leading digital music jukebox. Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet the newest member to the iPod family, iPod Atom.

Since the early days when music portability was made easy with Sony's introduction of their hugely successful Walkman, people have been in a constant pursuit to make the amount of music one can carry as abundant as possible all the while making the storage unit as small as possible. Apple, the company responsible for continuously merging technology with sleek style, has once again one-upped the industry with the new iPod Atom. "We simply took everything that people love about the iPod and made it a lot smaller", stated Apple C.E.O Steve Jobs. Talk about the understatement of the century.

So how does the new iPod Atom work? Simple - surgery. Since the iPod Atom is so small, it cannot be purchased at a regular store. The purchase orders, which are done via Apple's website, are sent out to Apple's home base in Northern California, where the units themselves are then frozen in liquid nitrogen and sent to the hospital address provided by the customer. Once the units arrive at the hospital, the customer is called to schedule an appointment for installation. "The process is quite simple, not to mention completely pain free", says Dr. Desmond Sanchez, the world's leading authority on iPod Atom installation and research. "Once the patient has been thoroughly pumped with anesthetics, we place iPod Atom into the ear by actually affixing it to the inner-wall of the patient's eardrum. It's a one-time surgery."

Once installed, the patient has a couple options as far as getting music into the unit itself. One way is through Bluetooth technology. A special transceiver is installed to iPod Atom during fabrication, allowing the unit to download songs from the household computer from up to 50 ft. away. "This feature works best for people who are always on the go and don't have time to sit behind a computer all day", Dr. Sanchez states. "Take housewives for example. They can get done all the things they need to do, say, cooking and cleaning, and download a track or album from the iTunes Music Store at the same time. I don't know about yours, but I know my wife loves to work to the musical stylings of Earth Wind and Fire. The beauty of iPod Atom now becomes two fold, as she gets to listen to her favorite tunes, and I still get my dinner on time."

"The other option is a bit more involved. Immediately after installation, and while the patient is still out, a small incision is made into the back of the neck where fire wire is put and run directly into the base of the cerebellum. Once swelling goes down, the port itself is almost invisible, depending on how the patient wears his/her hair", states Dr. Sanchez. Although not as well met as the option for Bluetooth, the fire wire port has found a steady popularity with Matrix fan boys.

As for controlling the unit, both installation procedures cater to one thing; thought control. Both the fire wire hardline and the transceiver work by reading and interpreting the brain's electrical pulses. "Thinking about Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets" and Disturbed's "Stupefied" cause two completely different wavelengths of impulses", says Dr. Sanchez, "iPod Atom is able to differentiate these patterns and play tracks accordingly." This method is also how the unit's options are utilized, such as volume control, playlist selection, and date and time.

Battery depletion as well as the gradual degradation factor has been a thorn in the side of Apple since the introduction of the first iPod, and in case you were worried about charging iPod Atom's batteries, don't be. When asked about this problem, Steve Jobs had this to say. "Because this battery issue has bitten us in the ass before, we thought ahead and took measures to eradicate this for iPod Atom. In short - this sucker's nuclear." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. The iPod needs no charge, as it will most likely outlast its very user.

Also, not to be outdone by it's siblings; iPod Atom comes in five different elemental flavors: Gallium, Niobium, Astatine, Rhodium, and Bromine. Apple has even gone one step further by also offering a limited U2 edition, which perfectly mirrors the band's current sized fan base.

All in all, iPod Atom seems like the next logical step in the evolution of digital music media. But of course the inevitable question comes up; where to now? When asked how Apple could possibly top this technological achievement, Mr. Jobs could only touch on the subject. "Well, we're toying with the idea of actually tapping into the fifth dimension. Imagine hearing a song that was recorded, say, back in the 1930's. Now imagine being able to actually travel back to that era and get that very recording as it happens."

iPod Time Machine anyone?

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)