Forensic Science - now fortified with 'Juicy' brand couture and stupid

Ed. note: After reading a certain news article on-line, I felt it my civic duty to make sure that everyone knows that the end of the world is definitely at hand.

Our society today praises the ignorant. We worship celebrity as if it were the cure for cancer, all the while dumbing ourselves down as a direct result of it. In a world where anomalies like MTV and Tara Reid exist on a pedestal, regular working people like us tend to look towards them, wishing we could be in their shoes, instead of realizing that we are probably way better off than they could ever hope to be. And how are we better off? No, not because we are any less dumb, as everyone has their moments. We're better off because our moments aren't plastered all over the media for everyone to see.

Today I speak of Britney Spears. Good ol' Britney; dancer, fashion conscious (most of the time), animal lover, singer, actress, and dumber than a sack of rocks. This poor girl has come up through the ranks of stardom so quickly that she probably hasn't had time to breathe, much less think for herself. It's understandable though, what with her hectic schedule of selling out to Pepsi commercials, MTV appearances, and getting married to every random guy this side of the western hemisphere. It's no wonder that she hasn't been able to find time to herself, let alone any time to write, compose, and choreograph any of her own material since her musical debut. But all that is about to change.

According to an entertainment news article on the MSN.com website, Britney has had enough of the limelight for the time being (I can't imagine why), and is seriously considering taking time out for the more important things in her life, such as small doggies, cute hats, cankles, a second marriage, brushing up on her Kabbalah, and most of all, pursuing her newfound dream to study and become a - wait for it - FORENSIC SCIENTIST. Yes ladies and gentlemen, according to the MSN news source, Mrs. Spears has become SO inspired by the show CSI, that she wishes to go back to school (we can only assume this means college) to study the art of forensics. And honestly, why not? She has already done pretty much everything else. Kissed Madonna? Check. Dated Justin Timberlake? Check. Appeared in a commercial complete with cameo by Bob Dole? Check. Why, going back to school to pursue a degree in forensic science just seems like the next logical step to me.

Yet maybe I am being too hard on poor Britney. Maybe I should actually applaud Britney for this bold new direction she is taking in her life. It shows that she is thinking about the future. With today's fickle audience, no performer is ever guaranteed that they will be around for any amount of time. Britney is obviously aware of this fact and is taking measures to make sure that she has something to fall back on. Personally, I thought it would have been her millions of dollars, but a degree in forensic science apparently works just as well. Now that I really think about it, I for one have been completely inspired, and would like to formally announce that I will be hanging up my hat as an animator to pursue a newfound dream of mine - becoming the next massively successful rock star/actor. I don't know the first thing about acting and have had no formal training as a musician, but that didn't stop Britney. Why should I let it stop me?

In all seriousness, what in the name of all that's holy is this world coming to? When asked about this new plight, my very good friend Nate had this to say.

"People like Britney following their "dreams" are facilitated because of their bountiful wallet size, given a tour of the police station and allowed to play with the neato computer, but when it's all said and done, to change careers requires a lot of work, and really...it's just not that fun. At the end of the day, these cool careers that we see on television and in the movies are great, but really, we would much rather play the videogame or watch the movie and only do the fun parts, with the exception of excruciatingly painful 3D jumping sequences with bad camera angles."

There's more truth in that than in the entire Bush administration. Thanks for the quote broham.

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)