Juan Alvaerz Has No Penis

Los Angeles resident Juan Alvarez recently decided that it would be better if he just wasn't around anymore. In this, I applaud him. When anyone has enough sense to realize that they are too much of a drain on society to keep existing, by all means, kill yourself. 99 percent the population is lazy, either suing someone else for some trite little thing that could easily be handled with fisticuffs, or living off the government tip. When the opportunity arises to subtract from this majority pool, I'd give the green light every time. By deciding to try and take his own life, Mr. Alvarez was a shining light to his lazy ass affiliated demography by showing some true initiative in taking steps to making the lives of all responsible taxpayers everywhere a little bit easier. It's too bad that he lacked one key ingredient that would allow his death wish plans to come to full fruition - his man junk.

On January 26th in the AM hours, Juan Alvarez decided to drive his car onto a set of train tracks near Union Station in Los Angeles, thereby hoping to be killed by the impact of an oncoming train. Now as I've said before, he already gets happy face points for realizing that he needs to be dead, but where I disagree is his chosen method to become so. Letting a train hit you is one thing. It's messy, yes, but easy and effective none the less. But bringing his truck along too? I'm no physics major, but the amount of force that would be pushing back from the auto would most certainly be more than if it were just his dumbass. This results in the train having to work harder to kill him because of all the other added variables like sheet metal, engine block, transmission, dashboard tassels, an overabundance of exterior fiberglass add-on trim, sixteen inch Daytons, and a whole butt load of really bad Mexican circus music. Also, as opposed to just hitting flesh, bone and stupid, the chance of train derailment and possible injury to upstanding citizens becomes an issue when striking a vehicle - and sadly enough, it is also exactly what happened. Apparently at the last second Juan lost his nerve and had a change of heart, deciding that he wanted to live. But instead of driving the car off the tracks, he simply ditched the vehicle and left it to its own device - which at the moment was getting royally rocked by a fast-moving commuter train. To anyone who has read the news wire, you know the outcome.

Normally, using a vehicle in the act of self-termination is viewed as a bonus as well as way freakin' awesome. Thelma and Louise did it at the Grand Canyon, and Dak did it on the first run against the Death Star. But of course, these acts only hurt/killed the people directly involved. Where Juan Alvarez crossed the line is when he failed to consider all the people who may not have shared in his awakening revelation to die. What he should have done was keep his nut satchel in check, let the train hit him and him alone, and go out in a bloody smear of greatness and laser beams.

Mr. Alvarez is a lost cause, but I know that there are many more men out there who are thinking of ending their lives. To help in that pursuit, I have compiled a short list of ways to kill yourself that won't hurt anyone but you, and still keep you looking cool long after the mess has been cleaned up.

1. Get your dumbass rocked by Max von Sydow, a.k.a. Ming the Merciless. For those who haven't beheld the greatness that is the B-movie cult classic "Flash Gordon", Ming the Merciless (von Sydow) the evil ruler of Mongo, hatches a plan to pull the moon from its orbit, threatening the earth. Anyone who can organize and execute a plan of this magnitude while battling hawkmen and a New York Jets numb nuts quarter back can probably fit killing you on to his to-do list. Plus, the awesome factor is guaranteed to be high as you would be dealt death by a guy who has one of the hottest on-screen daughters I've ever seen. (Ornella Muti)

2. Fall over onto a sword. This method kicks ass for many reasons, one of which being that you're being killed by a huge, fuggin' sword! It's been a long time since man traded his chain mail and sword in for a pair of pink chiffon panties and a 9 mm, so anytime the public can see human impalement outside of the movie theatre is a welcome treat. Besides, swordplay is the closest you're ever going to get to a lightsaber, so you might as well take what you can get, you sick bastids.


3. Attend a Cosplay Event. I can't say I have ever been to one of these, but from things I've read and also pretty much from what I just simply assume, these things inspire death to all who behold them. I understand that there are groups of cosplay people who inhabit this world with entirely too much time on their hands, but instead of doing something constructive with their time like losing weight and getting vasectomies, they choose to spend hours crafting poorly fabricated costumes out of felt and leather and then parading around in them - in public. The end result is the south wing at a hotel somewhere filled with idiots in costume and the smell of something like a mixture of sour milk and ball sweat wafting in the air. Not much awesome factor to be found here, but the drive to kill yourself will be present none the less.

4. Kick a Grizzly bear in the nuts. Male Grizzly bears reach a maximum weight of about 330 to 1,150 pounds, and feed on anything from small, woodland rodents to mountain goats. The last time I checked 1,150 pounds was a bit over my slim 185 pound frame, so I can only assume that a swift kick to the junk of a grizzly bear would guarantee a rag doll bitch slap into next week for me. This method may be good for all the tree-huggers out there who enjoy nature and are looking to kill themselves because they have realized that camping in a tree for two months straight only secures public opinion for one thing - that you're a moron. Awesome factor is good with this one simply because you'll earn major respect if you can manage to get anywhere near a Grizzly's cash n' prizes without getting your face rocked first.

5. Jump into the Sarlacc Pit. This one is more of a fantasy, but still way cool. I'd have to say that being eaten alive is one of my biggest fears, and knowing that I'd be dragged, kicking and screaming, into the gaping maw of the Sarlacc's mouth to be digested over a thousand year period doesn't make it any better. This one is pretty much dementia on a platter. If it's any consolation though, at least you could go in with the comfort of company, as it's likely that Carrot Top, Gilbert Godfrey, Tori Spelling, and U2 are already in there. Bam!

6. Pick a fight with ex-NHL hockey player Marty McSorely. For those of you not in the know, Marty was a guy who, back in Feb. of 2000, actually hit a guy in the back of the head with a hockey stick, knocking him unconscious and causing him to suffer a serious concussion upon slapping his head on the ice. The guy used to be thought of as Wayne Gretzky's enforcer, but now he's mostly just regarded as a washed up dipshit has-been. Anyone who can get paid to play professional hockey and then give it up by whacking some dude in the head with a stick probably wouldn't have much of a problem knocking you out either, especially since it's most likely better than the ass-hockey he's been seeing in jail anyway. This method would probably work better for those of you who can't stand on a pair of skates to save your life, because lets face it, that's not what you're really here to do anyway, right? Awesome factor is through the roof for this one because anyone who knows anything knows that ice hockey rules.


7. Get eaten by carnivorous babies. This wouldn't seem like much of a threat at first, but it becomes an awful reality once you really ponder the idea. Think about it, babies can't really talk, but they can think. Babies aren't smiling at you when you make stupid faces; they are smiling at their maniacal thoughts of eating you for thinking that they might actually enjoy those stupid, condescending facial expressions in the first place. Older children feel the same way; they just use more tact in their methods of murder, usually waiting for years of parental abuse as an excuse before they pounce. But babies? No, they would do it if they could. Why do you think they are always trying to put stuff in their mouths? Awesome factor is zero though, as you deserve to die if you get taken down by babies.

Those are just a few suggestions off the top of my head. But if I think of any more cool ways to do one's self in, I'll make sure and post them, as I am full force in the pursuit of helping the world rid itself of the cancer that is stupid.

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)

Apple Unveils Smallest iPod Yet

"The best direct probe of the atom was first done by Rutherford and his student, C.T.R. Wilson, who invented the cloud chamber and used it to show that when thin gold foil is bombarded by helium nuclei (alpha particles), the particles are occasionally deflected by a very large angle, but usually pass straight through. This gave rise to the realization that the gold was composed of atoms, with a tiny nucleus at the middle which could occasionally collide with an alpha particle and send it flying."
- Prof. Topper, ASU

Rutherford and his student, C.T.R. Wilson, may have happed upon the discovery of proof that the atom existed, but it is Apple who has taken the idea of the atom and applied it to something tangible that everyone can, or can't, for argument's sake, get their hands on. And what is this new and wonderful item for which I speak? Why, only the next incarnation of the world's leading digital music jukebox. Ladies and Gentlemen, please meet the newest member to the iPod family, iPod Atom.

Since the early days when music portability was made easy with Sony's introduction of their hugely successful Walkman, people have been in a constant pursuit to make the amount of music one can carry as abundant as possible all the while making the storage unit as small as possible. Apple, the company responsible for continuously merging technology with sleek style, has once again one-upped the industry with the new iPod Atom. "We simply took everything that people love about the iPod and made it a lot smaller", stated Apple C.E.O Steve Jobs. Talk about the understatement of the century.

So how does the new iPod Atom work? Simple - surgery. Since the iPod Atom is so small, it cannot be purchased at a regular store. The purchase orders, which are done via Apple's website, are sent out to Apple's home base in Northern California, where the units themselves are then frozen in liquid nitrogen and sent to the hospital address provided by the customer. Once the units arrive at the hospital, the customer is called to schedule an appointment for installation. "The process is quite simple, not to mention completely pain free", says Dr. Desmond Sanchez, the world's leading authority on iPod Atom installation and research. "Once the patient has been thoroughly pumped with anesthetics, we place iPod Atom into the ear by actually affixing it to the inner-wall of the patient's eardrum. It's a one-time surgery."

Once installed, the patient has a couple options as far as getting music into the unit itself. One way is through Bluetooth technology. A special transceiver is installed to iPod Atom during fabrication, allowing the unit to download songs from the household computer from up to 50 ft. away. "This feature works best for people who are always on the go and don't have time to sit behind a computer all day", Dr. Sanchez states. "Take housewives for example. They can get done all the things they need to do, say, cooking and cleaning, and download a track or album from the iTunes Music Store at the same time. I don't know about yours, but I know my wife loves to work to the musical stylings of Earth Wind and Fire. The beauty of iPod Atom now becomes two fold, as she gets to listen to her favorite tunes, and I still get my dinner on time."

"The other option is a bit more involved. Immediately after installation, and while the patient is still out, a small incision is made into the back of the neck where fire wire is put and run directly into the base of the cerebellum. Once swelling goes down, the port itself is almost invisible, depending on how the patient wears his/her hair", states Dr. Sanchez. Although not as well met as the option for Bluetooth, the fire wire port has found a steady popularity with Matrix fan boys.

As for controlling the unit, both installation procedures cater to one thing; thought control. Both the fire wire hardline and the transceiver work by reading and interpreting the brain's electrical pulses. "Thinking about Elton John's "Bennie and the Jets" and Disturbed's "Stupefied" cause two completely different wavelengths of impulses", says Dr. Sanchez, "iPod Atom is able to differentiate these patterns and play tracks accordingly." This method is also how the unit's options are utilized, such as volume control, playlist selection, and date and time.

Battery depletion as well as the gradual degradation factor has been a thorn in the side of Apple since the introduction of the first iPod, and in case you were worried about charging iPod Atom's batteries, don't be. When asked about this problem, Steve Jobs had this to say. "Because this battery issue has bitten us in the ass before, we thought ahead and took measures to eradicate this for iPod Atom. In short - this sucker's nuclear." And there you have it ladies and gentlemen. The iPod needs no charge, as it will most likely outlast its very user.

Also, not to be outdone by it's siblings; iPod Atom comes in five different elemental flavors: Gallium, Niobium, Astatine, Rhodium, and Bromine. Apple has even gone one step further by also offering a limited U2 edition, which perfectly mirrors the band's current sized fan base.

All in all, iPod Atom seems like the next logical step in the evolution of digital music media. But of course the inevitable question comes up; where to now? When asked how Apple could possibly top this technological achievement, Mr. Jobs could only touch on the subject. "Well, we're toying with the idea of actually tapping into the fifth dimension. Imagine hearing a song that was recorded, say, back in the 1930's. Now imagine being able to actually travel back to that era and get that very recording as it happens."

iPod Time Machine anyone?

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)

Forensic Science - now fortified with 'Juicy' brand couture and stupid

Ed. note: After reading a certain news article on-line, I felt it my civic duty to make sure that everyone knows that the end of the world is definitely at hand.

Our society today praises the ignorant. We worship celebrity as if it were the cure for cancer, all the while dumbing ourselves down as a direct result of it. In a world where anomalies like MTV and Tara Reid exist on a pedestal, regular working people like us tend to look towards them, wishing we could be in their shoes, instead of realizing that we are probably way better off than they could ever hope to be. And how are we better off? No, not because we are any less dumb, as everyone has their moments. We're better off because our moments aren't plastered all over the media for everyone to see.

Today I speak of Britney Spears. Good ol' Britney; dancer, fashion conscious (most of the time), animal lover, singer, actress, and dumber than a sack of rocks. This poor girl has come up through the ranks of stardom so quickly that she probably hasn't had time to breathe, much less think for herself. It's understandable though, what with her hectic schedule of selling out to Pepsi commercials, MTV appearances, and getting married to every random guy this side of the western hemisphere. It's no wonder that she hasn't been able to find time to herself, let alone any time to write, compose, and choreograph any of her own material since her musical debut. But all that is about to change.

According to an entertainment news article on the MSN.com website, Britney has had enough of the limelight for the time being (I can't imagine why), and is seriously considering taking time out for the more important things in her life, such as small doggies, cute hats, cankles, a second marriage, brushing up on her Kabbalah, and most of all, pursuing her newfound dream to study and become a - wait for it - FORENSIC SCIENTIST. Yes ladies and gentlemen, according to the MSN news source, Mrs. Spears has become SO inspired by the show CSI, that she wishes to go back to school (we can only assume this means college) to study the art of forensics. And honestly, why not? She has already done pretty much everything else. Kissed Madonna? Check. Dated Justin Timberlake? Check. Appeared in a commercial complete with cameo by Bob Dole? Check. Why, going back to school to pursue a degree in forensic science just seems like the next logical step to me.

Yet maybe I am being too hard on poor Britney. Maybe I should actually applaud Britney for this bold new direction she is taking in her life. It shows that she is thinking about the future. With today's fickle audience, no performer is ever guaranteed that they will be around for any amount of time. Britney is obviously aware of this fact and is taking measures to make sure that she has something to fall back on. Personally, I thought it would have been her millions of dollars, but a degree in forensic science apparently works just as well. Now that I really think about it, I for one have been completely inspired, and would like to formally announce that I will be hanging up my hat as an animator to pursue a newfound dream of mine - becoming the next massively successful rock star/actor. I don't know the first thing about acting and have had no formal training as a musician, but that didn't stop Britney. Why should I let it stop me?

In all seriousness, what in the name of all that's holy is this world coming to? When asked about this new plight, my very good friend Nate had this to say.

"People like Britney following their "dreams" are facilitated because of their bountiful wallet size, given a tour of the police station and allowed to play with the neato computer, but when it's all said and done, to change careers requires a lot of work, and really...it's just not that fun. At the end of the day, these cool careers that we see on television and in the movies are great, but really, we would much rather play the videogame or watch the movie and only do the fun parts, with the exception of excruciatingly painful 3D jumping sequences with bad camera angles."

There's more truth in that than in the entire Bush administration. Thanks for the quote broham.

- Michael Davis (copyright 2005)